Years, Alan Ewing

 

Years

Alan Ewing

Is this you and me

Caught in tears

After so much laughter

the storm it came

whose to blame

for the hereafter

I think I'll laugh

Oh so naff

Afraid of tears

Let's pick up

Smile from above

And laugh again

©dewyswriter2021

The Loves of Mr Henson, a lyric by Alan Ewing

 

The Loves of Mr Henson

a lyric by Alan Ewing

Mister Henson loves his garden

He loves to dig up the weeds

He relishes turning up the dandelions

To take his mind off his weekly deeds

Mister Henson loves his car

He takes his family for rides

He takes them to the countryside

It occupies his mind 

Mr Henson, Mr Henson, The Loves of Mr Henson 

Mister Henson loves the sea

It gives a calming effect

It helps him to forget about the work

In a heap upon his desk

On Monday morning he rises early

And reflects on his weekend bliss

His thoughts are so tranquil

As he heads to his office 

Mr Henson, Mr Henson, The Loves of Mr Henson

He watches the sunrise in the sky, after he has left his car

He thinks back to the preceding evening, with the beauty of the evening stars

HENSON IS A DEFENCE MINISTER: HE PLANS NUCLEAR ATTACKS

HE LOVES HIS CAR. HIS GARDEN, THE SKY

ITS LOVE OF THE WORLD HE LACKS

Mister Henson!   

©dewyswriter2021

All In Life's Stride, a lyric by Alan Ewing

 All In Life's stride

a lyric by Alan Ewing

We all must find a way, to take life as it comes each day

Troubles they come, troubles they go, pick oneself up when things are low

Truer words can be never be spoken, like those which are honestly woken

A glem of honesty in the heart is a good way for us to start

All In Life's Stride

It's all down to you

All in life's stride

The next day is new

The experience you need

Is what you've been through

Discover humour as a key, because only this will make you see

That the world can be a funny place, nothing like the smile on a face

There'll always be people who'll put you down, always making you frown

Though take it lightly, and pass it by, believe in self and reach for the sky

All In Life's Stride

It's all down to you

The feelings you try to hide

Reveal themselves as truth

All In Life's stride

The next day is new

The experience you need

Is what you've been through

[Repeat previous two choruses]

©dewyswriter2021

A Wedding In Reading, a lyric by Alan Ewing

 A Wedding In Reading

a lyric by Alan Ewing

The groom was late by half an hour

Not realising that drink contained such power

The night before had been his stag night

His best man had ended up in a fight

After a bowl of cornflakes with scrambled eggs

He could hardly stand upon his legs

He gulped down his coffee and rushed out the door

And promptly fell face down upon the floor

A Wedding in Reading

A great happy day

New sheets and bedding

And laughs on the way

The bride she was a lovely sight

You 'd never have believed she's been up all night

She just couldn't sleep and watched the clock

Counting the seconds till her wedlock

Little sister was with her by breakfast time

With mother on the gin and father on the wine

They'd spent all that they possessed in the world

To make this day special for their little girl

A Wedding in Reading

A toot and a pip

To the bedroom it's heading

For a bit of a kip

Do you hereby undertake to spend all your days

Watching soap operas on the telly in a drunken haze

You have new days in the nappies, recoil from the smell of the crappies

Though it sure beats being alone in a flat, even if you feel like a doormat

A Wedding in Reading

A toot and a pip

To the bedroom it's heading

For a bit of a kip 

A Wedding in Reading

A great happy day

New sheets and bedding

And laughs on the way

©dewyswriter2021

Sonnet 116: Let me not to the marriage of true minds By William Shakespeare [a blog exposition by Alan Ewing]

 

Sonnet 116: 

Let me not to the marriage of true mind, by William Shakespeare

 

A blog exposition by Alan Ewing 

 

Firstly, Sonnet 116 itself, a slow absorbtion of the words, followed by a second reading, then read my paragraphs below, then returning to the Sonnet, as the rhythm of the language flows as you get used to it:

 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov'd,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

 

Outside of the Bible then Shakespeare is the ultimate writer about the sheer nature of love. In Shakespear this is romantic love, whereas The New Testament deals primiarily with general love. Sonnet 116 is about the stability of true love. A marriage indeed. One in which the lovers can face every trial that life may bring, every test that fate might throw into their path. Love does not change in the face of such change, else it is not true love. Love is like a fixed star that is immovable. 

 

Time cannot affect love if it is true. For it grows within time. Shakespeare is telling us that fickle fancies will also not interfere with the course of true love. When it is entwined then it is rooted in such a way as to be the foundation stone of life itself. Companionship, friendship and loyalty are enshrined within it, through good times and bad. Love can conquer every hardship, even when all seems lost, and is the most powerful force that we ever encounter in our lives, when it is true. If not, says Shakespeare, then he, The Bard, was never a writer.

 

 ©dewyswriter exluding Sonnet 116

 

Excerpt here from Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen, with Kate Winslet as Marianne reciting part of Sonnet 116

 

Persona, a blog by Alan Ewing

 

 

 PERSONA

 

a blog by Alan Ewing

 

 

 

 

Is our past self our present self? For the universe is in Fluxus Quo. It is in a constant state of change. Brought to mind by my recently turning 60, the point at which metabolism ceases to regenerate. What then? Is this the change that sees the ebbing away of the old human body? The New Testament teaches us that we evolve into a new spiritual state:

I Corinthians 35-49: (NIV)

³⁵ But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?” ³⁶ How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. ³⁷ When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. ³⁸ But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. ³⁹ Not all flesh is the same: People have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. ⁴⁰ There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. ⁴¹ The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

⁴² So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; ⁴³ it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; ⁴⁴ it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵ So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”^[a]; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶ The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. ⁴⁸ As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹ And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we^[b] bear the image of the heavenly man.

 

So we evolve. What we evolve into will be defined by our present self. The present, though is always changing. The universe itself expands, and when contractions arrive, will then start to reverse in time, according to the latest scientic theory. All that is becomes as it was. In following this through then self is a myriad of states. We cannot alter the past, for that would go against the physical laws of the universe. We can only affect the present which, as observed, is constantly changing. In conclusion, our persona is never fixed at any point in time

 

 

 

 

 ©dewyswriter2021

 

 

 

 

The Ultimate Betrayal, a lyric by Alan Ewing

 

 

 

 

 The Ultimate Betrayal

a lyric by Alan Ewing

 

 

 

Trust was put in him,

but he betrayed without a care;

he committed the ultimate sin.

By giving over one so fair.

Thirty pieces of silver in hand,

he received his pay.

The world was just a grain of sand

In the universe on that fateful day.

Oh! Judas, you fool, you fool!

For playing satan's game.

Couldn't you see that you were just a tool?

For the assault upon The Holiest Name.

Oh! Modern churches unify,

In His Holy Name.

Sectarian interests multiply:

you have only yourselves to blame.

For is this not also betrayal?

To segregate His words.

Substituting conflict and dogma,

for the true message being heard ...

 

©dewyswriter2021

image The Last Supper by Carl Heinrich Bloch 1876

Emotional Dysregulation, a personal blog by Alan Ewing MSc, BA Hons, Cert HE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Emotional Dysregulation

a personal blog by Alan Ewing 

Having been diagnosed with this mental health condition this week, then my purpose here is to give some explanation about the condition. First though, it is with relief that I finally have a mental health diagnosis, given years of exploring various medicines and therapies to find an answer. Now, at last I can receive the correct medicines and treatments for a condition that has mentally plagued me for years. It is also a massive weight lifted to be able to tell family and friends why I often behave in the way that I do. Like not wanting to talk or chat at certain times, like appearing anti-social, or over-wrought. A long period of self-isolation, five years, has taken place in order to get the answers as to why I have had disastrous relationship break-ups, which then in turn affect the condition. And as to why there are times when I wish to withdraw from society.

 

Emotion Dysregulation, is, in simple terms an inability to process emotional feelings and control them in response to provocative stimuli. The effect of this is a response which can be hostile, or temperamental brewing to anger in certain situations. Whereas, a person with Emotional Regulation can quickly gauge when emotions are going wild, then the person with Emotional Dysregulation is unable to gather rationality once the emotions have been aroused. This can then result in irrational behavior and creation of conflict. Confusion reigns as loss of reality takes place with a series of emotions that swing from one place to another. This causes problems in close relationships, as patterns of behavior change.

 

 

An illustration of how Emotional Dysfunctuality operates, usually with the front locus of the brain, is shown in this diagram.  A burst of creative energy can often lead to be a sense of overwhelming, which can then result in a straight collapse. A disappointment or let-down, or a point of conflict with a close person can then result in an eruption, which will then be followed by angst. A root cause of Emotional Dysfunctionality stems from anxiety disorder. A sense of not being able to get things right, to get communication across and concerns about how other people are being treated. This can lead to extreme self-isolation.

 

 

 

The next diagram illustrates how this path maps itself out, as emotions explode with no self-awareness, followed by a complete lack of self-control.
 

 

The condition should not be confused with bi-polar, as that has periods of low despairing moods alternating with manic episodes. Rather Emotional Dysregulation has its motions through anxiety related disorder. It also has roots in psychological and emotional trauma that may have taken place throughout life and these may have caused the condition to grow. The nature of close relationships in life will have a huge impact. Damage can be severely inflicted by abusive or malicious intent from others.

Alan Ewing, MSc, BA(Hons), Cert HE

 

©dewyswriter2021

Past, Present & Future, a blog by Alan Ewing

 

 

 

 

  Past, Present & Future

A blog by Alan Ewing

 

The latest scientific thinking is that time travel to the past is not possible. This being because it is still happening. The evidence of this lies with the expanding universe and how we can look back in time to the early stages of the universe with telescopes. Same as in how light from stars emanated at an earlier period of time and yet we are seeing it in the present. We cannot go back to what is still happening

The present is a product of the past. It only exists maybe for a fraction nano-second as time keeps moving. So to be in the present may well be a misconception. The present tense becomes the past tense within the flicker of an eye-lash. So therefore our concept of the present moment is always out of date. And of course, as explained, we cannot go back to the moment that has passed.

The future then. Well, once again we cannot go into it. We can only predict what with the evidence that lies before us. Scientific thought says that all stars die and that eventually we will be left with black holes. All ends with The Creator, my own personal belief system. Again, on the question of the universe collapsing in upon itself, then The Book of Revelation says that everything will return to God, including Christ. Our choice is to believe that all of this is meaningless, or else something is behind it. 

 

copyright dewyswriter2021

Somebody, a lyric by Alan Ewing

 

SOMEBODY

a lyric by Alan Ewing

 

 

Chorus

And if somebody

Brought love back to you

And that somebody

Always would be true

And can somebody

Really come through

Not like somebody

Who leaves you cold and blue

Verse 1

There was a time I lived in need

When it seemed to me

I needed a hand

From someone who believed

Repeat Chorus

Verse 2

Then came a place

When it seemed to me

That I had a gift

To go out there and set others free

Repeat Chorus

© dewyswriter 2021

Book Of Gags, Alan Ewing

 

BOOK OF GAGS

by Alan Ewing

"I always wanted to be a gag writer, because life is such a joke."

Relationship Gags

"Can you keep it up all day?" Samantha asked. "Crikey, woman," replied Bert, " I've never mopped the ceilings before!"

"Well, that was epic," remarked Edna as she rolled on to the other side of the bed, "A bit like climbing Everest and falling off at the first cliff."

"How was it for you?" Asked Jimmy. Jill rolled over to the other side of the bed and replied "Those Jam Tarts were amazing earlier"

Billy ended up in hospital. Jane went to visit him: "All you ever wanted, you bastard, to lie around in bed all day and get women in uniforms fussing over you."

"Last time I saw something like that," remarked Mabel, "It was the milkman trying to sell me a half-pint."

"I want cool colours on the walls... curves in the kitchen... tv without football" said John. Julie replied: "And who the hell do you think is wearing the knickers in this house!"

It was all so hot. Water running off the walls. It had never been like this before in 30 years of marriage, within the bedroom. "Oh! Fecking Hell", screamed Brenda, "You left on the hot tap again!"

Janie threw the handcuffs through the air at Jamie. "Use them on her!" The handcuffs flew out of the window and landed on the head of a Police Officer.

"This feels like a funeral" remarked Billy, as Sammy revealed her black underwear, and retorted: "Yeah, the funeral is in your pants."

"You're such a prude Ronoldo' shouted Bertie. "How so?" Demanded Ronoldo. Bertie exclaimed: "I am not even allowed to have a topless picture of Burt Reynolds on my bedroom wall!"

"Don't you dare call me a tart!" Screamed Jeremy. Jonty was not in the mood to compromise: "I saw you down in the factory making them!"

“I thought that you said that bedtime would be interesting!" Moaned Christina. "Well, huh!" Replied Julianna, "No way am I dressing up as a man again!"

"So you're my hurricane in bed." Amanda said. "Guess, Roy, that explains the wind."

"What's that in your pocket?" Asked Mrs Wifie-Pops, as Mr Hubby rolled in drunk. "I got it for you for a bargain down at the pub," he slurred. He landed on the pavement with a thud, as the bra spun out of his pocket...

Oh yes, yes, she cried out in bed, “this is the best it has ever been”, as she looked over Rory’s shoulder at her favourite tv programme.

"We need some time apart." said Julie. Billy was quick to reply: "Yeah, like in another universe!"

 "Get your hands off my Wotsits!" Protested Mable. Jimmy was non-plussed: "I'll get my own; they are on offer in Asda ...three multi-packs for three pounds."... Love is often silly!

Jilly was in the mood: "Ah put on my best knickers and suspenders for you darling." Rudolf was not in the mood: "I'm on my virgin fantasy trip." He responded, heading for the spare room as a bottle hit the door behind him.

"Did you get it up?" Asked Julia. Raymond was gobsmacked. "Did you get your profile photo up online" She continued. Raymond took a deep breath.

“Hey! I tried to put romance back into our Marriage," said Mrs Wifie-Pops. Hubby replied: "Yeah, and you set the bedroom curtains on fire with that candle!"

"Fancy a date?" Asked Raymond. Julie replied; "I had enough of them at Christmas with Dad's box of dates."

"I fancy a Chinese tonight' said Ronald. "You unfaithful sod" replied Julie.

"I bought you a new car, honey. It's a Bentley!" Melanie pronounced.. "Wow! Where is it?" Carl answered. "On the mantle piece," continued Mel. "I know how much you adored Matchbox cars when you were a kid."

"I am the boss'" said Wifiepops. "Yeah, and I am the TUC" replied Hubby.

"I finally threw all of your stuff away!" Exclaimed Edna. "Yer wha'" Replied Rupert. "Even me false teeth!"

"I wanted to be dead!! Shouted Norbert. "Not my fault that you got resurrected!" Screamed Jill.

"Oh for goodness sake, Ronald", said Mabel. "Put the towel back on; I already have pickled onions for supper in bed."

"I want to turn you on" suggested Bormount. "I'm hungry, so you can turn the oven on" replied Eggreth.

“Ah! You can't live without me!" Ranted Ray. "Yes, I can, I have a life insurance policy on you!" Replied Julie.

"It's the end of the world" shrieked Lucille. Bert replied: "Calm down love, it's just burnt toast."

"I am a Tory" she said as she flashed her suspenders. Reggie grew to know why they permeate left-wing views

"Would you share your hot water bottle with me?" Asked Eramont. "Not with your spiffing cold feet!" Replied Thersaronna.

I feel so cool, I could live in a fridge." Said Ralph. "Yeah", said Mabel, "Last time you were hot fridges weren't invented."

 

GAG: "Oi! Ethel, a bikini-clad Californian gerl just asked me up to her room!" Ethel replied: "That's called a mirage"

Miscellaneous Gags

"I always wanted to be a gag writer," moaned Herbert. "Then got told that nobody would take me seriously."

 

"Well," began the kitchen sink to the cold tap, "You're going to tap off tonight with that hot one!"

"Easy to assemble", said the square peg to the round hole.

"I got so full of myself, that the mirror cracked up and walked out"

 

"Oh!" Groaned the washing machine. "Why must I spend my life putting up with this pseudo-comedy." The kitchen sink responded: "Shut up you saucy git! You're always washing other people's underwear!" The fridge commented: "Tut, you lot are so uncool." the washing machine replied.

“I have to stop writing gags ... the ink and paper are costing too much!”

"Whooooo", said The Bishop to the actress' "You can cut that out! And so she continued cutting the newspaper links on his status …

"I love the way that you play your instrument, Rory", remarked Julia. "Shame that it goes flat on performance"

"Cheer up Rory, it may never happen!" Remarked Ralph drily. Rory continued to look at the sky and the nuclear cruise missile that was heading their way.

 

If a picture paints a thousand words... D'oh! Then how can't I damn read!

 

"With a PhD," began Ralph, "I could have been an extremely qualified Road Sweeper, if it hadn't been for the fact that I never knew how to handle a brush."

 

I've been in here all of my life," said Charlie The Lag, in prison. "How's that then? Asked Reg The Snitch. Charlie answered: "My Mother was a pregnant bank robber, and I was born in here."

 

Feeling the heat? Go and sit in the fridge then. That's how people stay in the kitchen!

 

Lipstick on your collar? Who's been kissing Ben Sherman then?

 

Alfie The OAP was a legs man; nowadays he fancies zimmer frames

 

Don't fool with me, unless you want a fool on your hands

 

I'm roasting a bird today, doing it slowly over the evening ...cut it out rock n' roll chicks ...I'm cooking chicken

 

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? - Far too many!

 

And God put woman upon the earth to make life funnier

 

I overthink: when making a cup of tea I get so involved in where the tea was picked from that I forget to put the kettle on

 

I thought that I had lost the love of my life: turned out that the TV Remote Control had fallen down the side of the sofa 

 

I never did throw the furniture out; just her stuff over the balcony

 

A gag a day keeps the therapist away

 

My gags get on people's nerves: so get some pills for their nerves then

 

They offered me a harem; I said that I could not cope with being told what to do by so many women

 

Why do I always want to pee in the middle of something great: thank you pause TV!

 

I'm not available for comment right now, as I can't cope with my own status updates
 

 

"Don't worry if I get certified," said Ralph. "Just means that I am legally able to function."

"This place stinks!" Said Hog. "Well, we are pigs and it is a Pigsty" replied Mrs Hog.


Not bunkin' up wid you" bawled Harry. Wait till we take a crap together," replied Randy

You look like a mug, said the cup." You're not exactly my cup of tea either!" Replied the mug.

My sense of humour prevents me from taking myself seriously
   

Did you hear about The Vicar who woke up too early? She put on her mini-skirt when half asleep and the congregation trebled.

I got out of jail free ... I set the monopoly board on fire!

 

It was never Cluedo to me ... I just killed all of the other players!

 

I get up with "The Farming Programme" on BBC Radio 4 each day... then people wonder why I say "Moo" all day!

 

They say that blondes have more fun; in my experience, they tend to have more moods!

 

I don't talk much about my days as a businessman, within the Fashion Industry ... because I'm still wearing the same clothes from 5 years ago ... D'oh!

 

"And so!" I began. "You've turned up again!" Of course, I was talking to a potato.

 

"Those curtains look good." ... She stormed off having never been so insulted about her dress.

 

If your Facebook adverts are full of Funeral Homes then you obviously have a Deathwish!

 

I always wanted to be insane. Little did I know that I was born that way!

The single bed can go. The double stays. I want to live in hope!

I just talk to myself because I like the company that I keep

"Have my name down for a couple of parts." Said the ageing actor. "A new heart and kidney!"

"My blood pressure is good" exclaimed Ralph. "That's because you are single", responded John.

"What a load of humbug" said the Strawberry Sherbet to the Mint.

It's a dinner date then. A cup of tea and a sausage roll in Sayers

I wanted to be a eunuch, though didn't have the balls to do it

Friends will be friends. That does not involve kissing with tongues

A woman's place is in the home; just so long as it is at least 25 miles away from mine!

If my sisters were alive I'd have them sectioned. Before they sectioned me 

"Superstar" - Oh, you can cook dinner then!

Can God only count up to ten? I mean, think of the 20,000 commandments! ...Like "Don't sit on my chair", for one ...

I'd do stand-up though I can't even sit down after two pints...

I always wanted to be an empath and then I saw the mirror!

I've become such a recluse. I walked around my home town on street view last night!

And Love is an apple that Eve tempted me with ... "Sorry Love, I prefer Pears in Prune Juice: good for constipation"

I always wanted to be a virtual stand-up comedian... like when my computer crashed. Standing joke!

I fell in love with a virtual gerl. When the hour arrived, her software disconnected.

I decided to go on Twitter. I got trapped in Tweets and felt like a bird in a cage.

I got to 5,000 friends on Facebook. It finally dawned on me that my whole life had been a waste of time.

 I love you to bits; don't go to pieces on me 

"An' wha' maay dis be?" She asked. "Congealed Pig's Blood in Batter, me lov, Black Pudding!" She replied "Ooooh! Ahh am a carnivore; marght eat you laater!" Ahh was stunned, an' 'id under parrk bench ahh did! - Tws den' ahh 'new dat Yorkshire laydees pac' aaar lotta luv

A writer always puts off till tomorrow what can be done today

"Nobody ever listens to me: they just want to see me to probe their lobes with my light" Said The Ear Specialist.

I said "Goodnight dear" She replied: "You do realise that it is 6am in the morning".

The way to a man's heart is through his humour ... I mean, who would want to go through my stomach for a pound of tripe!

Dad Gags

"Why are we buying bottled water Mum?" Asked Janie. Reply came: "Dad decided to do the re-plumbing himself!"

 

"Er Dad." said Billy, "you can stop dancing now ...the record finished half an hour ago."

 

An earthquake? I'm hearing mad voices!" Said Mum. "Don't worry its just Dad with his bedroom solo band." Replied Julie

 

Mum! "Dad is racing around in his underpants in the garden again!" Mum replies: "He had three beers my darling!"

 

"Why is the wallpaper hanging off the wall Mum" Mum replies: "Because your Dad forgot to use enough wallpaper paste!" 

 

"Mum, why is Dad almost drowning?" "Because he always thinks that he can build a pond my dear." She replied.

 

Roof Falls in. "What was that?" Screams Mum. Joanna replies: "Just Dad trying to convert the loft again!"

 

"De, da, de", I'm so cool today", said Dad, as the kiddies laughed at his underpants hanging out of his track suit bottoms.

 

"Where has the fly spray gone?" Asked Mum. Jimmy perked up, "I did see Dad spraying something under his arms earlier.

 

"Mum, I cannot get on my X-Box. Said Johnny.  "Is it broken hun?" Replied Mum. "No, Dad just went out and bought FIFA 2020!"

Football Gags

"Wear blue for me tonight darling ... I so want to f*ck it." "Really dear," darling replied. "Your goal-kick was hardly the best last time!"

"Honey!" Asked Mrs Wifie Pops. "England are playing tonight in the football. Would you like me to set up the TV?" Mr Hubby shrugged, and replied: "Nah! It's my turn to do the ironing. I fancy some entertainment."

 

"We're going to win The World Cup!" Said Bert The English Mad-dog in the heat.. Doris sighed: "Who have you played, love?" Bert paused: "Er, Tunisia and Panama ..." Doris had seen this before: "Anybody else in it?" Bert returned to watching his soap operas ...

 

55 years of hurt for England ...at least we can retire in 12 years time.

"We've done it! We've won it!" Screamed Eddie. "England have won The World Cup!" Edna was changing the sheets and doing the washing: "Gawd! How deluded these men get over wins over the lesser nations." The knock-out stages and the tougher teams were yet to come ... Do'h!

I want VAR over my whole life and when I was wronged!

Christmas Gags

Hubby enters room, with wifie in Santa Outfit and suspenders and stockings all puffed out on the couch. "What on earth has happened?" He asked. "Oh, I just got my present from Santa, baby" chirped her little blonde voice." "Crivens" He replied: " I thought that the toaster had broke!"

 

Give a woman what she wants this Christmas: total power over the TV Remote Control for two weeks.!

 

“Fancy pulling a Christmas Cracker?” Asked Jimmo’s sister-in-law. “You bet!” He replied, putting his arm around her. Jimmo spent the rest of the night in the dog-house outside.

 

“I’m off for my Boxing Day jog’” piped Samantha. “Oh! I’ll join you,” responded her husband, Michael. Samantha was amazed. He continued, “I’ll drive alongside,” as he held up the car keys. Samantha slammed the door, as she jogged away.

 

 CHRISTMAS GAG: 'Just dinner, a mince pie and a cup of tea for me on Christmas Day' Exclaimed Johnny. Samantha laughed: 'Oh yeah, after your ten pints and shorts in the pub at Christmas Lunch Time, wake up to a cold cup of tea and cold dinner on Boxing Day! You can't handle a Birthday Party, and we'll say nothing about 22nd and your night at the bar with the Druid Blondes!'

Halloween Gags

"Honey, you make a great witch," commented Reginald on his wife's Halloween costume." "Ha! you say that every night of the year!" Julie replied.

"Masha Doomdrop invited you to like her page THE DEAD & THE DOOMED TAKE 3" [Takes 1 & 2 had nobody actually dead, so a few re-"shoots" were required] …

 

"Your Halloween make-up looks amazing," said Barry to his blind date. A handbag cuffed him over the head: "It's my normal make-up!" Came the reply in the shriek of a Banshee.

Medical Gags

“I've turned into a hypochondriac. I keep finding new ways to be ill. I'm just mad about my new woman Doctor.”

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel dizzy!" Prescription reads: "Keep off roundabouts in children's playgrounds!"

"Do you ever have thoughts of harming yourself?" Asked The Doctor. The patient replied: "No, I gave up falling in love years ago."

“Somebody told me that I was too obsessive …then I got obsessive about what they said.”

 

 

There was a guy named Bolan

And he was married to Folan

Well, he fancied his sister-in-law

Always shouted out 'Corrrrrrrrr'

And that was the end of Bolan

 

 

 

WINTER SOLSTICE GAG: 'Oi! What the hell is that?' Said Leader of Band. 'A didgeridoo; what do you think it is!' replied the didgeridooist. 'I thought the heating had gone dodgy again, with radiator hum', chipped in the bassist. The Leader proclaimed to the diidgerdooist: 'You're out of the band for mentioning The Southern Hemisphere and its ways today of all days; it's not supposed to exist!' And so The Southern Hemisphere began tilting away from The Sun. 'See you around the clubs on 20th June 2024 then' retorted the didgeridooist 

  

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