SOMEBODY
a lyric by Alan Ewing
Chorus
And if somebody
Brought love back to you
And that somebody
Always would be true
And can somebody
Really come through
Not like somebody
Who leaves you cold and blue
Verse 1
There was a time I lived in need
When it seemed to me
I needed a hand
From someone who believed
Repeat Chorus
Verse 2
Then came a place
When it seemed to me
That I had a gift
To go out there and set others free
Repeat Chorus
BOOK OF GAGS
by Alan Ewing
"I always wanted to be a gag writer, because life is such a joke."
Relationship Gags
"Well, that was epic," remarked Edna as she rolled on to the other side of the bed, "A bit like climbing Everest and falling off at the first cliff."
"How was it for you?" Asked Jimmy. Jill rolled over to the other side of the bed and replied "Those Jam Tarts were amazing earlier"
Billy ended up in hospital. Jane went to visit him: "All you ever wanted, you bastard, to lie around in bed all day and get women in uniforms fussing over you."
"Last time I saw something like that," remarked Mabel, "It was the milkman trying to sell me a half-pint."
"I want cool colours on the walls... curves in the kitchen... tv without football" said John. Julie replied: "And who the hell do you think is wearing the knickers in this house!"
It was all so hot. Water running off the walls. It had never been like this before in 30 years of marriage, within the bedroom. "Oh! Fecking Hell", screamed Brenda, "You left on the hot tap again!"
Janie threw the handcuffs through the air at Jamie. "Use them on her!" The handcuffs flew out of the window and landed on the head of a Police Officer.
"This feels like a funeral" remarked Billy, as Sammy revealed her black underwear, and retorted: "Yeah, the funeral is in your pants."
"You're such a prude Ronoldo' shouted Bertie. "How so?" Demanded Ronoldo. Bertie exclaimed: "I am not even allowed to have a topless picture of Burt Reynolds on my bedroom wall!"
"Don't
you dare call me a tart!" Screamed Jeremy. Jonty was not in the
mood to compromise: "I saw you down in the factory making
them!"
“I thought that you said that bedtime would be interesting!" Moaned Christina. "Well, huh!" Replied Julianna, "No way am I dressing up as a man again!"
"So you're my hurricane in bed." Amanda said. "Guess, Roy, that explains the wind."
"What's that in your pocket?" Asked Mrs Wifie-Pops, as Mr Hubby rolled in drunk. "I got it for you for a bargain down at the pub," he slurred. He landed on the pavement with a thud, as the bra spun out of his pocket...
Oh yes, yes, she cried out in bed, “this is the best it has ever been”, as she looked over Rory’s shoulder at her favourite tv programme.
"We
need some time apart." said Julie. Billy was quick to reply:
"Yeah, like in another universe!"
"Get
your hands off my Wotsits!" Protested Mable. Jimmy was
non-plussed: "I'll get my own; they are on offer in Asda
...three multi-packs for three pounds."... Love is often silly!
Jilly was in the mood: "Ah put on my best knickers and suspenders for you darling." Rudolf was not in the mood: "I'm on my virgin fantasy trip." He responded, heading for the spare room as a bottle hit the door behind him.
"Did you get it up?" Asked Julia. Raymond was gobsmacked. "Did you get your profile photo up online" She continued. Raymond took a deep breath.
“Hey!
I tried to put romance back into our Marriage," said Mrs
Wifie-Pops. Hubby replied: "Yeah, and you set the bedroom
curtains on fire with that candle!"
"Fancy a date?" Asked Raymond. Julie replied; "I had enough of them at Christmas with Dad's box of dates."
"I fancy a Chinese tonight' said Ronald. "You unfaithful sod" replied Julie.
"I bought you a new car, honey. It's a Bentley!" Melanie pronounced.. "Wow! Where is it?" Carl answered. "On the mantle piece," continued Mel. "I know how much you adored Matchbox cars when you were a kid."
"I am the boss'" said Wifiepops. "Yeah, and I am the TUC" replied Hubby.
"I finally threw all of your stuff away!" Exclaimed Edna. "Yer wha'" Replied Rupert. "Even me false teeth!"
"I wanted to be dead!! Shouted Norbert. "Not my fault that you got resurrected!" Screamed Jill.
"Oh for goodness sake, Ronald", said Mabel. "Put the towel back on; I already have pickled onions for supper in bed."
"I want to turn you on" suggested Bormount. "I'm hungry, so you can turn the oven on" replied Eggreth.
“Ah!
You can't live without me!" Ranted Ray. "Yes, I can, I have
a life insurance policy on you!" Replied Julie.
"It's the end of the world" shrieked Lucille. Bert replied: "Calm down love, it's just burnt toast."
"I am a Tory" she said as she flashed her suspenders. Reggie grew to know why they permeate left-wing views
"Would you share your hot water bottle with me?" Asked Eramont. "Not with your spiffing cold feet!" Replied Thersaronna.
I feel so cool, I could live in a fridge." Said Ralph. "Yeah", said Mabel, "Last time you were hot fridges weren't invented."
GAG: "Oi! Ethel, a bikini-clad Californian gerl just asked me up to her room!" Ethel replied: "That's called a mirage"
Miscellaneous Gags
"I
always wanted to be a gag writer," moaned Herbert. "Then
got told that nobody would take me seriously."
"Well," began the kitchen sink to the cold tap, "You're going to tap off tonight with that hot one!"
"I got so full of myself, that the mirror cracked up and walked out"
"Oh!" Groaned the washing machine. "Why must I spend my life putting up with this pseudo-comedy." The kitchen sink responded: "Shut up you saucy git! You're always washing other people's underwear!" The fridge commented: "Tut, you lot are so uncool." the washing machine replied.
“I have to stop writing gags ... the ink and paper are costing too much!”
"Whooooo", said The Bishop to the actress' "You can cut that out! And so she continued cutting the newspaper links on his status …
"I love the way that you play your instrument, Rory", remarked Julia. "Shame that it goes flat on performance"
"Cheer
up Rory, it may never happen!" Remarked Ralph drily. Rory
continued to look at the sky and the nuclear cruise missile that was
heading their way.
If a picture paints a thousand words... D'oh! Then how can't I damn read!
"With a PhD," began Ralph, "I could have been an extremely qualified Road Sweeper, if it hadn't been for the fact that I never knew how to handle a brush."
I've been in here all of my life," said Charlie The Lag, in prison. "How's that then? Asked Reg The Snitch. Charlie answered: "My Mother was a pregnant bank robber, and I was born in here."
Feeling the heat? Go and sit in the fridge then. That's how people stay in the kitchen!
Lipstick
on your collar? Who's been kissing Ben Sherman then?
Alfie
The OAP was a legs man; nowadays he fancies zimmer frames
Don't
fool with me, unless you want a fool on your hands
I'm
roasting a bird today, doing it slowly over the evening ...cut it out
rock n' roll chicks ...I'm cooking chicken
How
many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? - Far too many!
And
God put woman upon the earth to make life funnier
I
overthink: when making a cup of tea I get so involved in where the
tea was picked from that I forget to put the kettle on
I thought that I had lost the love of my life: turned out that the TV Remote Control had fallen down the side of the sofa
I never did throw the furniture out; just her stuff over the balcony
A
gag a day keeps the therapist away
My gags get on people's
nerves: so get some pills for their nerves then
They offered me a harem; I said that I could not cope with being told what to do by so many women
Why
do I always want to pee in the middle of something great: thank you
pause TV!
I'm not available for comment right now, as I
can't cope with my own status updates
"Don't worry if I get certified," said Ralph. "Just means that I am legally able to function."
"This
place stinks!" Said Hog. "Well, we are pigs and it is a
Pigsty" replied Mrs Hog.
Not bunkin' up wid
you" bawled Harry. Wait till we take a crap together,"
replied Randy
My sense of humour prevents
me from taking myself seriously
Did you hear about The Vicar who woke up too early? She put on her mini-skirt when half asleep and the congregation trebled.
I got out of jail
free ... I set the monopoly board on fire!
It
was never Cluedo to me ... I just killed all of the other players!
I get up with "The Farming Programme" on BBC Radio 4 each day... then people wonder why I say "Moo" all day!
I don't talk much about my days as a businessman, within the Fashion Industry ... because I'm still wearing the same clothes from 5 years ago ... D'oh!
"And so!" I began. "You've turned up again!" Of course, I was talking to a potato.
"Those curtains look good." ... She stormed off having never been so insulted about her dress.
If your Facebook adverts are full of Funeral Homes then you obviously have a Deathwish!
I always wanted to be insane. Little did I know that I was born that way!
The single bed can go. The double stays. I want to live in hope!
I just talk to myself because I like the company that I keep
"Have my name down for a couple of parts." Said the ageing actor. "A new heart and kidney!"
"My blood pressure is good" exclaimed Ralph. "That's because you are single", responded John.
"What a load of humbug" said the Strawberry Sherbet to the Mint.
It's a dinner date then. A cup of tea and a sausage roll in Sayers
I wanted to be a eunuch, though didn't have the balls to do it
Friends will be friends. That does not involve kissing with tongues
A woman's place is in the home; just so long as it is at least 25 miles away from mine!
If my sisters were alive I'd have them sectioned. Before they sectioned me
"Superstar" - Oh, you can cook dinner then!
Can God only count up to ten? I mean, think of the 20,000 commandments! ...Like "Don't sit on my chair", for one ...
I'd do stand-up though I can't even sit down after two pints...
I always wanted to be an empath and then I saw the mirror!
I've become such a recluse. I walked around my home town on street view last night!
And Love is an apple that Eve tempted me with ... "Sorry Love, I prefer Pears in Prune Juice: good for constipation"
I always wanted to be a virtual stand-up comedian... like when my computer crashed. Standing joke!
I fell in love with a virtual gerl. When the hour arrived, her software disconnected.
I decided to go on Twitter. I got trapped in Tweets and felt like a bird in a cage.
I got to 5,000 friends on Facebook. It finally dawned on me that my whole life had been a waste of time.
I love you to bits; don't go to pieces on me
"An' wha' maay dis be?" She asked. "Congealed Pig's Blood in Batter, me lov, Black Pudding!" She replied "Ooooh! Ahh am a carnivore; marght eat you laater!" Ahh was stunned, an' 'id under parrk bench ahh did! - Tws den' ahh 'new dat Yorkshire laydees pac' aaar lotta luv
A writer always puts off till tomorrow what can be done today
"Nobody ever listens to me: they just want to see me to probe their lobes with my light" Said The Ear Specialist.
I said "Goodnight dear" She replied: "You do realise that it is 6am in the morning".
The way to a man's heart is through his humour ... I mean, who would want to go through my stomach for a pound of tripe!
Dad
Gags
"Why are we buying bottled water Mum?" Asked Janie. Reply came: "Dad decided to do the re-plumbing himself!"
"Er Dad." said Billy, "you can stop dancing now ...the record finished half an hour ago."
An earthquake? I'm hearing mad voices!" Said Mum. "Don't worry its just Dad with his bedroom solo band." Replied Julie
Mum! "Dad is racing around in his underpants in the garden again!" Mum replies: "He had three beers my darling!"
"Why is the wallpaper hanging off the wall Mum" Mum replies: "Because your Dad forgot to use enough wallpaper paste!"
"Mum, why is Dad almost drowning?" "Because he always thinks that he can build a pond my dear." She replied.
Roof Falls in. "What was that?" Screams Mum. Joanna replies: "Just Dad trying to convert the loft again!"
"De, da, de", I'm so cool today", said Dad, as the kiddies laughed at his underpants hanging out of his track suit bottoms.
"Where has the fly spray gone?" Asked Mum. Jimmy perked up, "I did see Dad spraying something under his arms earlier.
"Mum, I cannot get on my X-Box. Said Johnny. "Is it broken hun?" Replied Mum. "No, Dad just went out and bought FIFA 2020!"
Football Gags
"Wear blue for me tonight darling ... I so want to f*ck it." "Really dear," darling replied. "Your goal-kick was hardly the best last time!"
"Honey!" Asked Mrs Wifie Pops. "England are playing tonight in the football. Would you like me to set up the TV?" Mr Hubby shrugged, and replied: "Nah! It's my turn to do the ironing. I fancy some entertainment."
"We're going to win The World Cup!" Said Bert The English Mad-dog in the heat.. Doris sighed: "Who have you played, love?" Bert paused: "Er, Tunisia and Panama ..." Doris had seen this before: "Anybody else in it?" Bert returned to watching his soap operas ...
55 years of hurt for England ...at least we can retire in 12 years time.
"We've done it! We've won it!" Screamed Eddie. "England have won The World Cup!" Edna was changing the sheets and doing the washing: "Gawd! How deluded these men get over wins over the lesser nations." The knock-out stages and the tougher teams were yet to come ... Do'h!
I want VAR over my whole life and when I was wronged!
Christmas
Gags
Hubby
enters room, with wifie in Santa Outfit and suspenders and stockings
all puffed out on the couch. "What on earth has happened?"
He asked. "Oh, I just got my present from Santa, baby"
chirped her little blonde voice." "Crivens" He
replied: " I thought that the toaster had broke!"
Give
a woman what she wants this Christmas: total power over the TV Remote
Control for two weeks.!
“Fancy pulling a Christmas
Cracker?” Asked Jimmo’s sister-in-law. “You bet!” He replied,
putting his arm around her. Jimmo spent the rest of the night in the
dog-house outside.
“I’m off for my Boxing Day jog’” piped Samantha. “Oh! I’ll join you,” responded her husband, Michael. Samantha was amazed. He continued, “I’ll drive alongside,” as he held up the car keys. Samantha slammed the door, as she jogged away.
CHRISTMAS GAG: 'Just dinner, a mince pie and a cup of tea for me on Christmas Day' Exclaimed Johnny. Samantha laughed: 'Oh yeah, after your ten pints and shorts in the pub at Christmas Lunch Time, wake up to a cold cup of tea and cold dinner on Boxing Day! You can't handle a Birthday Party, and we'll say nothing about 22nd and your night at the bar with the Druid Blondes!'
Halloween Gags
"Honey, you make a great witch," commented Reginald on his wife's Halloween costume." "Ha! you say that every night of the year!" Julie replied.
"Masha Doomdrop invited you to like her page THE DEAD & THE DOOMED TAKE 3" [Takes 1 & 2 had nobody actually dead, so a few re-"shoots" were required] …
"Your Halloween make-up looks amazing," said Barry to his blind date. A handbag cuffed him over the head: "It's my normal make-up!" Came the reply in the shriek of a Banshee.
Medical Gags
“I've turned into a hypochondriac. I keep finding new ways to be ill. I'm just mad about my new woman Doctor.”
"Doctor,
Doctor! I feel dizzy!" Prescription reads: "Keep off
roundabouts in children's playgrounds!"
"Do you ever have thoughts of harming yourself?" Asked The Doctor. The patient replied: "No, I gave up falling in love years ago."
“Somebody told me that I was too obsessive …then I got obsessive about what they said.”
WINTER SOLSTICE GAG: 'Oi! What the hell is that?' Said Leader of Band. 'A didgeridoo; what do you think it is!' replied the didgeridooist. 'I thought the heating had gone dodgy again, with radiator hum', chipped in the bassist. The Leader proclaimed to the diidgerdooist: 'You're out of the band for mentioning The Southern Hemisphere and its ways today of all days; it's not supposed to exist!' And so The Southern Hemisphere began tilting away from The Sun. 'See you around the clubs on 20th June 2024 then' retorted the didgeridooist
